thinking.....

you grow up thinking about how your life will be as a grown up, you look at your parents and decide wether or not you want to be like them or run as for away as you can and be someone completly different. you have this whole image of who you want to be. then, reality hits you and you realize that your life can never be planned out and you never know what or who you will be. so then you learn to except this new found information, some embrace it as a challange of conquring the impossible and still try to become there vision of whom they have always wanted to be, others, they turn there back on the world and cause total havic, blaming everyone around them for their life not being what they imagined. i have been both of these people, as a child i dreamed of meeting a young man, falling in love, getting married, having children and living the perfect suburban life, reality set in and my life has taken me on so many roads, curves and bumps that i cant even tell you about all of them if i wanted to. but through each and every turn,bump and curve i have learned something about me, life and always about just how nice or mean people can be. i gained strength with every heartache and disapointment, i gained love with every act of kindness and smile that came my way. at 3 years old, my parents divorced, at 7 my dad remarried and adopted my half brother, at 8 my dad began melasting me for 5 years, he was married to my stepmom for 9 years and during that time he screamed at us, threw stuff at us, we were scared to death of my dad and finally we got away from him, at 17 i had to move in with my real mother (it was either her or my father) i had to change schools and leave my friends and family (on my stepmoms side) of 10 years behind and start over. at 18 i ran away and moved back in with my stepmom, at 19 i married my highschool boyfriend, 11 months later we seperated. for a year i partied everyday seven days a week, did drugs and hung out with some of the toughest people around. at 21 i moved back in with my husband and we had our daughter, 8 months after her birth, he left us and again i was on my own but this time with a kid. for the next four years it was me and my daughter, for the most part, i dated here and there but nothing very serious, until i met shane, we had dated once before and ran back into each other when i was 24, i was working at the mall and he came in to see me(someone told him i was working there) we began dating again, and things were going good at first. i got pregnant about 3 months into our relationship and things started going bad soon after, he began doing drugs (hard drugs) and i tried to help him but his family was encouraging his addiction so i lost the battle and left him when our daughter was two weeks old. i moved in with my mother and began to start my life over again. by now i was gettin really tired of having to pick myself up bc of a man who hurt me. but i have, now, two kids so i have no other choice but do it, no matter how hard, i had to it for them. i didnt date much for about two years, but i met a guy and we began dating he seemed nice and had a good heart for my kids, my youngest didnt know her father as being shane, she took right up with my new boyfriend and thought of him as her father and we never told her any different. he asked me to marry him and 13 months later we were married, i gained full custody of my youngest daughter and my husband adopted her. his family didnt like me bc they all thought i was there to get money out of their son, so after 3 years of the fighting and having to defend myself against his family i left, only taking my kids and our clothes, making a point that i needed nothing from him nor did i want anything from him. i hired a lawyer and took what was mine and left him the rest. now they see that im no so bad,( or we get along better bc im not in the family anymore) either way im just glad they arent mean to me anymore. i dated around alot after our divorce and i know i shudnt have but i was trying to find myself and find out what i wanted out of a guy. i met a man that only wanted my money and thought he should be able to sit at home and me pay for everything, i met a man that couldnt keep his ex-wife out of our relationship and let her tell us what we were gonna do and how we were gonna handle our relationship, i met a man that couldnt let his ex-girlfriend go, so after 5 months of telling me it was over with them, but she was still living with him (i know dumb on my part) i let her have him. i met a man that after 1 month he was ready to marry me and buy me a house, he took over my life and i had no say so at all, so yeah i let him go! and then i met a man that stole my heart, he was a friend of mine and at one time was trying to go out with my friend (whom i met him through) but we became closer bc of how she was treating him, i felt a connection with him the night i met him and i cared about him so much, i couldnt sit back and let him get hurt. he left my friend alone and i after i sent the man that wanted to take over my life packing, he asked me out and of course i said YES!! we had a connection right away and we have only grown closer everyday, he respects me and wants to see me happy, he loves my kids like his own and treats me like a queen, i cant say enough about how much i love and adore him, i dont want to make him made or hurt him, i dont want to get back at him for things that have been done to me. he makes me a better person and i finally found myself and im truley happy for the first time in my life, and i owe it all to him. so why am i writting this?, to tell everyone out there who think their lives are over bc its not turning out the way you thought it wud or the way u wanted it to, dont give up, dont throw it away, pick yourself up and dust yourself off and go after what you want, you will get there no matter how many times you get knocked down, eventually you will get there. bc if i can anyone can!!!!!!